Toilet Training Your Toddler: A How To Guide

 

1. Be grateful that all of your friends’ and family’s number one advice to you is “don’t listen to people talk about milestones, etc. every kid does it in their own time.”

2. Grow increasingly alarmed as those same friends and family members start to grate on your every nerve with their comments like “She isn’t potty trained yet? Isn’t that really late?”

3. Buy a self-help book to teach you how to potty train your child. Then buy it on audio book as well so you can consume it as fast as possible.

4. Finish book and get all excited to launch potty training boot camp at home.

5. Watch with fear as your daughter comes down with stomach pains so bad that she can no longer walk or eat or do anything but cry. Race her to the ER and when the ER docs can’t find anything wrong with her and her pediatrician can’t see her for a couple days, start googling symptoms and illnesses. Feel horrible when google tells you that you have stressed your child out on potty training to to point where she is basically getting an ulcer.

6. Finally get your child to see the pediatrician. Doubt the pediatrician that tells you it’s just her prolonged cough/cold that has upset her stomach.

7. Get an alert from local news app telling you that someone has skipped their jail sentence. Find out that they were going to prison because they abused kids during their potty training boot camp.

8. Lay off of potty-training because of #5 and #6 and #7. Celebrate child’s third birthday.

9. Bump into a neighbor who congratulates you on being pregnant. This is such a common occurrence these days that you don’t even hesitate before responding with “nope, not pregnant… just fat”. Watch as they quickly cover up their mistake by referencing the amazon boxes of diapers that they see get delivered to your house. Wonderful, now you have to explain that not only are you fat, but you are failing at motherhood.

10. Reread the self-help potty book and listen as it warns you that if your child isn’t potty trained by three-years-old it is all your fault and if you wait any longer she’ll be a bed-wetter for life. Awesome.

11. Give up your fourth of July weekend to potty train your child. Do Step One: announce that there are no more diapers.

12. Get confused because she doesn’t seem to need all the other steps as she seems potty trained (minus 4 mistakes over the course of two weeks).

13. Reread the section in the book about how if your child is three and not yet potty trained it is all your fault because you sent mixed messages. Decide author is a genius.

14. Proudly tell everyone that she is potty trained. From those that never bothered you about it, hear that their own kids also weren’t potty trained until after 3 years old. WTF! From those that annoyed the crap out of you (see #1), hear comments about how that’s great but every kid eventually gets there and it shouldn’t be something to worry about. WTF again!

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